


all this and heaven too

by estherroberts, summerwoodsmoke



Category: Ars Paradoxica (Podcast)
Genre: F/F, Season 2 spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-10-21
Packaged: 2019-01-18 10:07:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12386001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/estherroberts/pseuds/estherroberts, https://archiveofourown.org/users/summerwoodsmoke/pseuds/summerwoodsmoke
Summary: after esther wakes up from her coma, she has to deal with all the consequences of her gay bullshit





	1. breathless in bed

**Author's Note:**

> takes place after the season 2 finale, 'dawn'

When Esther wakes up, Bridget and Sally are sitting in chairs on either side of her bed. She’s not sure how she got to her bed, exactly, but this is not an arrangement she’d ever complain about. She blinks, befuddled. Bridget takes her hand and squeezes it and Sally leans in close.

Esther stares at them both for a moment before saying, “Hey...am I...in heaven?”

Bridget chuckles and shakes her head. “Last I checked, we’re still stuck in the same old reality we’ve been in. But you never know with your line of work.”

“If heaven is where Whickman is, maybe I’ll just volunteer for hell,” Sally drawls, and Bridget rolls her eyes.

This isn’t helping Esther at all. Neither of them have given her a suitable explanation. Also, she’s still a bit too tired to manage the onslaught of emotion she’s hit with, this infuriating combination of old and new loves together. So what she ends up asking, instead one of the thousands of potentially more important questions, is “Will someone tell me how the heck you two know each other?”

They glance at each other, which stirs some unnamed _something_ in Esther’s gut.

It doesn’t help Bridget’s thumb is rubbing a smooth path along her hand. “Well, you’ve been asleep for a few days. What’s the last thing you remember?”

It takes Esther a second, before the memory of Amelin Vasilievich’s escape and his subsequent assault catapult themselves back into her mind. She’s not allowed to tell them that. At least, she’s pretty sure she’s not? But they’re here, aren’t they. “Uh. This is, well. Definitely my fault.”

“Never thought I’d hear you say that,” Bridget replies, her tone somewhere between anger and humor.

“Okay, well, technically, it’s like, at least fifty percent _our_ fault,” Sally says. “We, uh, didn’t know about the connected cells, and we… opened Lambert’s.”

“You met… and then decided to break into ODAR together?”

“Some of this is also June Barlowe’s fault. And some other ex-ODAR people. And oh, hey! Quentin’s alive!”

All of this is absolutely too much for Esther. Her head, which was already throbbing, is now spinning too.

“Sally, slow down, she just woke up. Esther, we…” Bridget slips her hand out of Esther’s and sighs. “Shit. This _is_ really complicated, isn’t it.”

“No! It’s just that we’re incapable of admitting that all of us got together and conspired _specifically_ to take down Esther’s organization.”

Esther rolls over and buries her head under the pillow. She groans. “So, this _isn’t_ heaven then.”

“Wait. Bridget…” Sally’s voice takes on such an interesting, inspired quality, that Esther has to take her head out from under the pillow to stare at her. “Why would Esther’s version of… You know what. Never mind.”

Esther’s stomach flips. Sally couldn’t know, could she? That would be ridiculous. Not when Esther’d take such careful pains to remove any kind of infatuation from their interactions.

“We should let ODAR know she’s awake.” Bridget’s nearly bristling at Sally’s comment, and Esther can tell she’s intentionally changing the subject.

“Eh,” Sally shrugs. “We can let ‘em know tomorrow. Let’s give Esther a little more quality time with her two favorite people.” She flashes a grin and shoots Esther two fingerguns.

Esther rolls her eyes. “No. Sleep.” She waves her hands at Bridget and Sally. “I need sleep. Well. More sleep.” Anything to get out of… whatever this is.

“Oh, come on, where’s that ‘I’ll sleep when I’m dead’ attitude I know and love?”

Bridget snorts. “Clearly you’ve never heard about how much she slept in college.”

“Bridge!” Esther admonishes. “You know _firsthand_ I didn’t sleep much then, either. Although, you do have a point about some of my rather legendary power naps.”

Bridget gives her a look for that, before shooting Sally another impossible-to-interpret glance. Esther’s going out of her mind with these two. The truth is, she thought she’d gotten over both of them. With Bridget, it’s like seeing her again dragged everything back, raw and right. And with Sally, it’s the same dull ache it’s been for years. Just kind of amplified by the way the ceiling light hits her hair and that dumb concern that crinkles her brow.

“Well, don’t take one of those naps now,” Sally says, “We have so much to tell you! Like how we both work for ODAR now!” She wiggles her eyebrows at Esther.

“Noo.” Esther wants to bury herself in the pillow again. Bridget and Sally are finally recruited and she’s not even the one who got to do it. And now she has to deal with both of them. Every goddamn work day. “You waited till I was in a _coma_ to join ODAR?”

“I mean. It was kinda the coma that did it.”

Bridget smacks Sally’s arm.

“Am I wrong?!”

Bridget rolls her eyes.

“I wanna be in a coma again,” Esther addresses the ceiling. “Can we get back to that somehow?”

“It was awful, Ettie. Don’t even joke about it.”

It’s a fair thing to say. They only had a few days of supposed agony, but Esther remembers Sally’s coma like it was yesterday. And that one lasted _over a year_. “Okay, no more coma jokes. I promise.”

Bridget leans forward again and Esther just manages to stop herself from flinching as her fingers slide against hers again. “Thank you,” she says quietly.

Sally clearing her throat really does make her flinch, though she doesn’t let go of Bridget’s hand. She turns to look at Sally, suddenly remembering the conversation they’d had about relationships. Was ‘a few days’ long enough for the two women to connect the dots on their mutual acquaintance?

If it was anybody but Sally, Esther would say no. But it is, so she can’t.

Sally clears her throat again. “For what it’s worth,” she says to her lap. “I’m really, really glad you’re okay, Esther. It was, uh, pretty rough there for a bit.”

Esther meets Bridget’s eye, watches her nod. She’s still holding her hand and Esther’s starting to sweat. She’s overwhelmed. “Okay. I’ve had enough. I can’t handle both of my…both of you.”

Sally looks a little taken aback, but quickly masks her surprise. “Sure, sure, Roberts. We both know not everybody can handle all this.” She gestures to herself, a little narcissistic, a little self-deprecating.

“Oh, stop,” Esther says. “I can handle you just fine, even practically breathless in bed. It’s the combination of _both of you_ that I’m struggling with here.”

Sally and Bridget’s eyes both go wide. Esther can’t figure out what would elicit that reaction, she was just— oh. Well, that’s not what she meant at all. Any attempt to correct herself is futile at this point, so she resigns herself to her fate. “Go on. Shoo.” She lies back and closes her eyes. “I deserve a power nap.”


	2. the dating game

A disembodied voice booms, making Sally jump. “Welcome to the Dating Game!” The announcement is quickly followed by uproarious applause.

_The what?_ Sally thinks. _And why does that voice sound like Wyatt’s?_ Looking around, she realizes she’s sitting on a brightly colored stage, facing a live studio audience. To her left, Bridget smiles and waves at the crowd. To her right, there is a small table littered with index cards, and on the other side of it, Esther. Also, Jack Wyatt is there. And he happens to be sporting a truly hideous white suit and holding a long, thin mic.

Sally attempts to telepathically message Esther as quickly and as loudly as she can: _MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ME ESTHER; PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IS HAPPENING,_ but Esther is oblivious to her call for help, and waves at the audience too. 

“Fuck it,” Sally mumbles, and hams it up for the crowd. She doesn’t know what she’s doing here, but she might as well enjoy herself. 

“Well, let’s jump right in then!” Wyatt chirps. “Esther, are you ready to choose the love of your life? I know Bridget and Sally have been waiting for this moment a long time!” 

“Boy, am I ever!” Esther’s grinning so widely, it’s alarming. Almost as alarming as the fact that Sally’s on _A DATING TELEVISION SHOW._ Ew. At least this one doesn’t appear to end in a marriage proposal, like The Bachelor. (Not that Sally watches The Bachelor. She definitely doesn’t.)

“Then let’s get started! Esther, why don’t you pull a card off that table and read them the first question?” 

“Sally and Bridget. What do you think of eating blue cheese on Thursday afternoons with a scuba mask on?” 

Sally has a nagging feeling this isn’t a normal dating game show question, but she can’t quite put her finger on why. 

Jack stalks over to Sally and sticks the mic in her direction. She leans in close and says, “That’s how I spend every Thursday afternoon!” Because she does.

He shoves the mic toward Bridget next. “I mean, blue’s fine! However, I do usually prefer gruyere. And Thursdays are nice, but I tend to enjoy this particular activity on the last Fridays of every month!”

Jack bounces back over to Esther, who is nodding thoughtfully. “What’s your take on all this?” he asks before swinging the mic down to her level. 

“Gosh, they both have such great answers! And can I just say,” she turns to look at Sally and Bridget, “I’m so lucky to have both of these wonderful women here with me today.” She’s beaming, and Sally’s heart rate picks up a bit, for some reason. “And it’s so hard to choose, but I just know I’m gonna get my happy ending.” 

_BRRRRING. BRRRRING. BRRRRING._

“Nooo.” Sally’s talking to the ringing in her ears now, the walls of the stage starting to slip around her. 

_BRRRRING._

Oh. It’s her alarm clock. Sally shuts it off with a slap and sits up. She pulls out her recorder from beside her bed and says, “What the _fuck_ kind of dream was that!” She takes a deep breath, about to relay the whole thing into her audiodiary like she always does, but clicks it off. 

She’s not ready to say it aloud. 

Yesterday, with Esther… Sally sighs and turns on her recorder again. “I’m pretty sure Roberts has feelings for me.” _Click._ Nope. Nope. Not gonna do that. It’s all a jumble in her head, and if she starts to untangle the words with a rambling analysis into that microphone, she might find something she doesn’t like. 

She gets up and lets Archie out, wandering around in her pajamas for a few minutes before groaning and going back to her recorder a third time. 

“Okay. I’m ready now. I guess. Gosh, I can’t believe I didn’t see this. I mean, sure, I tend to be really oblivious when it comes to… romantic shit. But this is bad, even for me. Like, how long did she— Ugh. Listen, dating...is okay. I’ve dated people before and it’s, y’know, it’s fine. But in 20[][], for a lot of people, dating just goes right to sex. Which is less okay. For me. And then I ended up here, and I was like, okay, well, dating can just stay off the table. And I didn’t mind it, not at all! Romance...has never been a priority, y’know? But now with Esther… and I could be totally wrong! I just don’t think I am. And now that the possibility is here… maybe I do want it?” 

She’s briefly tempted to toss her recorder across the room at the suggestion that she could possibly have feelings of any sort. She just makes a face at it instead. “The problem is, it’s not just any cute girl. It’s _Esther_ fucking _Roberts._ And she’s like, the dictionary definition of a piece of work. Flip to that page right now and there’s her dumb dimples looking at you. _Honestly_. Not to mention Bridget’s still head over heels for her. Which, again like, I have no idea how Esther feels about Bridget! This is a mess I do _not_ need to get myself into!”

Archie demands to be let back in, so Sally turns off the recorder to go get him. She tries to shake it off, naively hoping that talking about it would’ve gotten it out of her head, and gets dressed for the day. Archie begs to be let out _again_ , the dumb cat, and as she walks past the kitchen counter, she grabs the recorder yet again in a fit of pique, a memory from years ago suddenly resurfacing.

As soon as she opens the door, Archie shoots out right between her feet and Sally nearly falls over while she’s clicking it on. “Okay, but seriously, _how long_? From before my coma? From _VEGAS_? Before then, even?” She groans. “I so don’t want to talk to her about this. Like, ever.”


	3. down the wrong pipe

It’s a habit, at this point, to walk past Esther’s door and listen. The past few days, of course, it made sense. Steady breathing meant she was gonna be okay, or, at least, that she was okay for the moment, and it had been enough to temporarily cure Bridget’s constant nerves. But now that Esther’s awake, it’s a little less necessary and a little more creepy. 

Bridget shouldn’t be here. She’s on her way out the door, heading to ODAR for the day. She shouldn’t be leaning closer to the door to hear— _Sally?_ Sally’s in there. 

“I gotta know, Roberts… How long? How long has this been going on for?” 

Bridget holds her breath. 

“Always, I guess,” says Ettie’s voice, soft and sorrowful, and Bridget hightails it out of there as fast as she can. 

When she gets to her new office, she doesn’t even bother looking at whatever file’s been left on her desk this morning. She just sits, Esther’s ‘always’ still ringing in her ears.

She’d been right about Sally. That much is certain. Esther has always been predictable, if nothing else, and Sally is perfectly suited for her, as far as Bridget can tell. 

Bridget has never been a jealous person. All of her last girlfriends had at least six other girlfriends, (there’s no hope for stability when you have to keep everything under wraps) and she can’t remember being jealous of anyone when her and Esther were dating either. But this… it’s ridiculous. It’s not as though she has any _claim_ to Esther’s affections, or like she even _wants_ them in the first place. And yet? She’s burning up. 

And it’s not as though she hates Sally. How could she? Bridget clearly remembers standing in the hallway with her as Esther’s heels clicked across the floor, too close to them and too close for comfort. She’d felt such a terror at their relationship being found out, but then such a relief at Sally’s utter lack of scorn and judgment. So there’s that. 

And then they’d found Esther on the floor, covered in blood. Bridget had never been so afraid in her life. And _then_ they’d waited for _days_ just to see if Esther’d be alright… It had been more than nice, to not have to do it alone. To have Sally there. She just wishes it hadn’t taken so long to click why, perhaps, Sally was there in the first place. It would have been nicer to prepare herself for this heartbreak, rather than dealing with doubt and suspicion for all this time. 

_Always, I guess._ She GUESSES. Esther doesn’t guess anything. She’d just said it to be dramatic, or cute, or whatever. It’s becoming a fixation, that end of the sentence. It’s so much easier to rip Esther to pieces for a subsidiary slip of the tongue than to have to deal with, well. The ‘always’ part. Always means… Always means that when Esther came to visit in New York— No. Bridget can’t possibly think about that night more than she already has. The things they said run along railway tracks in her memory, sunk so deep she couldn’t tear them out if she tried. She doesn’t need another layer of torture. 

A knock on her door startles Bridget into awareness. Lou leans in the doorway, eyebrows raised. “Ready to go for lunch?”

Lunch already? Right. “Uh, yeah! Yeah, I’m ready.”

They grab food from the cafeteria before heading outside to eat, in a probably vain attempt at privacy from ODAR’s many eyes and ears. They’re still new employees, and it’s not like they really wanted to be here in the first place, and commiserating with Lou over lunch is always the highlight of her workday.

Today’s a bit different, of course. Bridget has done no work at all and her mind is still ablaze with thoughts of Esther and Sally. She exhales and focuses on her friend. “How’s the search going?”

Lou shakes his head. “They still won’t let me contact the Black Room directly, even though it’d be much faster for me to tell them what I know rather than go through a middleman. I get the feeling that vital information about David keeps getting lost along the way between me and the Black Room. We’re never gonna find him this way. It’s like a game of broken telephone.”

Bridget makes a sympathetic noise, her mouth full of stew. She’s just taken another bite when Lou asks, “Enough about me for now. How’s _your_ search going?” and she nearly chokes. He refers to, of course, her search for an official job title at ODAR, which she insisted on choosing herself. 

“Did I say something wrong?”

She’s pretty certain she’s blushing now. 

“Do you have another search I don’t know about?” 

Bridget coughs. “No, no, of course not, just went down the wrong pipe.” 

Lou raises an eyebrow at her. “You’re blushing, Bridget.”

Damn it. “Well, you know Esther woke up yesterday.”

“Ohho!” 

Bridget glances around for a shovel to bury herself with. Her cheeks are on fire now. “Lou, shush. It’s not like that. Well, it’s kind of like that. But...it’s about Sally.”

Lou’s face is priceless. Bridget has to swallow a slightly hysterical laugh before she can reply. “Not me and Sally!” She sighs and sets her bowl down on the bench. “Sally and Esther.”

“This is so good.” He’s looking at her like he’s a little too entertained by all of this. 

“Lou, it’s not gossip! It’s my life!” 

“Okay, okay.” Lou looks chastised but is still smiling a bit. “So do we know for sure that they’re—” he clears his throat, “That they’re together? Or is this an unknown variable?” 

Bridget feels herself starting to smile. She’d spent hours alone stewing in her office and she’s already feeling a bit better after ten minutes with Lou. She has a feeling lunches will continue to be the highlight of her days at ODAR. 

At the end of her lunch hour, Bridget feels the lightest she’s felt all day. There’s something… cathartic about being able to joke about your troubles. They don’t go away, but, for a short while, they don’t seem quite as complicated. Maybe she’ll actually do some work this afternoon, who knows? She rounds the corner to her office and stops dead. 

Struggling her way down the the other end of the hallway is Ettie herself. So much for uncomplicated. Seeing her hits Bridget in waves. Esther shouldn’t be out of bed, she’s holding herself up to the wall like her life depends on it, and she’s pale and wobbling, and then Bridget remembers that she’s _mad at Esther._ Or jealous of Sally. Or, or, or at least, she’s got a plethora of passionate feelings speeding in their direction. But when Esther nearly trips and lands face first, Bridget springs into action, scooping her up and setting her down softly in her office chair. She holds herself back from fussing more and steps away, running her fingers through her hair. “Fuck, Esther.” 

Esther smiles weakly, still trying to catch her breath. “We need to talk.”


	4. objectively attractive

Sally lets herself into Esther’s house like she’s been doing for days now, tiptoeing so as not to alert Bridget. Not that she doesn’t wanna see Bridget, but like, not this morning, before she talks to Esther about all of… this.

She knocks on Esther’s door and after a quiet, “Come in,” she inhales and opens the door.

“Hey… Sally? What are you doing here so early?”

Sally’s got her heart in her throat and nearly calls her Roberts before realizing how stupid that would be before this conversation. “Habit,” Sally tells her at first, and then shakes her head. “No, Esther, I’m. I wanted to talk to you about yesterday.” 

“Oh,” Esther says, her voice as small as she looks tucked up in that big bed. 

“Aargh.” Sally shakes her fingers out. _Feelings._ “Do you— have? I mean. Do you… did you? Fuck.” 

“Uh. Are you asking me if I’m interested in you, Sally?” Esther’s starting to blush as she says this, and it’s almost a relief to Sally to see that it’s just as awkward for her. 

“Yep.” It takes all of her self control not to flash Esther a set of fingerguns again. “Yeah.”

“Oh. Well. Um. Yes?” 

“Yes?”

“Yeah.” 

“Well.” Sally’s pacing now. “Okay.” 

“Sit down?” 

“I really can’t.” 

“Okay.” Esther takes a shaky breath and pulls herself into a better sitting position. Suddenly, she’s got her problem solving face on. “Grissom. What are you thinking? We need to monitor a response here.” 

“The subject is nervous, Roberts, give her a minute.” 

“Sure.” Esther starts counting on her fingers quietly. 

“Feelings,” Sally begins, “suck. So, it still might take me a minute to get there. But, I will say… if there was…God. Nope. Not ready to answer yet. What if I started it with… Nope.”

“Am I gonna need a notepad for this, or?” 

“No, but… I gotta know, Roberts…” She turns her head towards Esther. “How long? How long has this been going on for?” 

The problem solving face slips away, and she’s just Esther again, looking achingly exposed. “Always, I guess.” 

“What about Bridget?” 

“Her too.” 

“Well. That certainly is an interesting development.” 

“It’s not really a development for me so much as my life for the last seven years, but sure, I know what you mean.” Esther adjusts her position again. 

Sally suddenly realizes she’s dizzy from all the pacing and comes to an abrupt stop, facing the window. She makes a face at the trees outside before jumping back into _feelings_ talk. “Well…we’re all here together, for the first time… and like. None of us are dying. And I’m gonna take a page from your book and attempt to communicate like an adult for once, uh—” Easier said than done. She swallows.

“I’ve never been able to communicate like an adult.” 

“ _Attempt.”_

Esther gestures for her to continue.

“I told you before that I’m asexual, y’know, not really into anyone… And that hasn’t changed, but… ‘not really’ doesn’t mean ‘not at all.’” 

“So, you’re saying…” 

“Esther, you’re an objectively attractive woman. Anyone would be an idiot not to see that. And you’re also brilliant, and stubborn, and, admittedly, dangerous. I have always enjoyed your company, despite not always trusting you, and... I guess…?” Okay. How did Esther word it? Right. “I’m interested in you. There, okay, I said it.” Sally exhales.

“Well. That’s something.” 

“Are you… crying?”

“What? No!” Esther furiously wipes at her eyes. “No. Just sort of, the room is a bit dry? I think?”

“Jesus, Esther.” Sally sits on the bed and picks up both Esther’s hands. “You absolute idiot.” 

“You just called me _objectively_ _attractive_. Who’s more idiotic?” 

“That’s fair.” 

“I just.” Esther chuckles, and yep, she’s still crying a little. “I didn’t think… Not that… This is so ridiculous. Talk to me about something that’s not emotions, quick.” 

“Boundaries!” Sally exclaims. “I can do that. Listen. Okay. Sex is still meh. Kissing is gross. Here’s what’s good: hand holding is good. I mean, you have really soft hands. Have you seen them?” Sally holds up their hands between them.

Esther chuckles again. “What about going out?”

“I can— I would— Okay, I MIGHT be able to do something like. Y’know. A date. Ugh. Wow. Can’t believe I just said that.”

“Awww.” Esther’s eyes are still wet, but she’s grinning now.

“Not, like, with _candles_ or anything. But food’s good.”

“Cuddling?”

“Absolutely.” Sally can’t suppress her own smile at that.

Esther fiddles with her fingers for a second. “Who do we tell?”

Sally swallows. “I get to tell Patridge. He’ll be chill about it and if he isn’t, I’ll kick his ass. And… oh. _Esther_. You have to talk to Bridget.” 

“Oh.” 

“I mean. Here’s the thing. I’d be. I don’t wanna. You guys are like.” She takes a breath. “It’s okay for us to be a thing and for you to figure out things with her too? For me. I wouldn’t be like, jealous or anything, because it’s different. The way I like you, the way she like— the way she loves you.” Sally looks up to meet Esther’s eye.

“You think she loves me?”

“Have you _seen_ her?”

“Fair.”

“I really want to… I want to try something with you, because I think we’re finally on equal footing. But I can’t agree to anything until you talk to her first.” 

Esther nods. “I’d been wanting to talk to her anyway.” She sighs, and suddenly launches herself out of bed.

“Woah, hey, maybe not… right now?” Sally starts to stand, with the intention of leading Esther back to her bed. By the time she turns, Esther’s hobbling down the hallway and Sally, wide-eyed, leaps after her. “Uhhhh, Esther, you can barely walk?”

“No, Sally, I’m fine,” Esther says nonchalantly. She’s struggling to support herself, her hand pressed firmly on the wall. Sally stares at her. “I’ll be back in no time! I’m just gonna go talk to Bridget, it’s fine.” She stumbles a little, but keeps going, and Sally knows better than to try and stop her. 

“You’re absurd, woman,” Sally says quietly, walking ahead to open the front door for her. “Why do I enable you like this?”

Esther comes up beside her, grinning. “‘Cause you _liiiiiiiike_ me.”


	5. royally fucked

“We need to talk.”

“No shit.” Bridget’s heart is still racing from the near-disaster in the hallway. What is Esther _thinking_ , getting out of bed so soon?

“Just.” Esther takes a deep breath. “Gimme a minute.” 

“Sure.” Bridget leans up against her desk. “I can’t believe you _walked_ all the way here. You absolute idiot.” 

“I’m fine! I swear.” Esther coughs, doubling over. She sits back up and grins. “Do you know, you’re the second person to call me that today?” 

“Oh, really? Good to know I have something else in common with Sally Grissom.” 

“How did you know it was Sally?”

“I, uh.” Bridget shifts so she’s facing the wall. “Overheard. Getting ready for work. A little.” 

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“What did you. Um.”

Bridget turns her head back to her ex. “You said, ‘always.’” 

“Oh.” Esther closes her eyes. “Oh, _fuck._ ”

“What?”

Esther looks at her. “Did you, by any chance, hear what I said after that?”

“No.”

“That _might_ have helped you out a little.” 

“Why?

“I said I’ve always loved you, too.” 

“ _Oh._ ” Bridget feels like she’s been hit by a bus. “So that’s why you’re here.” 

“Did you… did you want to go first, or?”

“Yes, actually! I mean, the speech I was rapidly preparing in my head is, admittedly, less impactful now. But I’m going to give it a shot anyway.” 

“Shoot.”

“Ohhhh boy. Alright. Esther, you royally fucked me over. I thought… I thought. No, I _hoped_ you’d come back to see me in New York because you _cared_. And sure, you _say_ that you do. But honey, your actions haven’t aligned with your words in a long time. I spent so long trying to get over you.” Bridget chuckles in disbelief. “And then you rolled back into my life and undid me all over again. I figured I could, I don’t know, execute some twisted form of revenge on you if I could take down ODAR. But when you were hurt for real, I couldn’t do it. I ran to you, faster than anything, and I… I don’t wanna live in a world without you in it. I don’t wanna live in a world where you aren’t mine.” 

“Bridge… I’ve always been yours.” 

Bridget’s not sure what her face is showing, but she wouldn’t be surprised if it was hurt and confusion. 

“No, you’re right. I… royally fucked is actually, perhaps, too kind. Can’t believe it took me getting whacked in the head to realize what a horrible bitch I’ve been.” Esther scoffs. “But I’m not gonna make excuses, or drown myself in self-hatred to distract from the fact that I hurt you. It happened. And it’s awful. And I’m sorry. And I don’t know what else to say, but you’ve always held my heart in your hands, and I don’t… I don’t know what I’d do without you, either.” 

Bridget exhales and blinks her vision free. “... thank you. I’m glad to hear that, all of it.” She shakes her head. “But I don’t know what it changes. I don’t know what you’re doing here, collapsing outside of my office, when I heard you and Sally just this morning.”

Esther’s shaking her head before she’s even done. She leans forward in her chair, closer to Bridget. “Things with Sally… aren’t like they were with us, or with anybody else for that matter. I mean, we’d still be dating, but not…she’s not into… It’s not important. I love her, she at least admitted she _likes_ me, and it’s just. Different. That being said, I. I’m selfish. I want both of you in my life. But only if _you_ want.”

Bridget stares. “And Sally’s… okay with this?”

Esther snorts. “Sally wouldn’t say yes to anything until I saw you first! She’s more than okay with it.” 

“Oh. Alright.” Bridget, still staring, has to hold herself back from gently bringing Esther’s lips to her own. They’re literally in her office, and besides, “I still don’t trust you. That has to be earned.” 

Esther nods. “I know. I’m going to earn it back. It might take months, years, I don’t know, but I’ll do whatever it takes.” 

Bridget looks at her… looks at the door… looks back at Esther. She takes two strides over, flips the lock, and takes two strides back. And then she kisses her. 


	6. an invitation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter. thanks for reading, everybody!

Esther’s feet feel like bricks, heavy and unwieldy. Her head is still pounding, and she’s dizzy with exhaustion from walking all over Point-of-Exile all day, but she’s got Bridget’s arm around her waist. That makes it more than worthwhile. She’s worried she’s leaning on her too much, but Bridget seems to be handling her okay, and Esther’s pretty sure her arms are much more toned than they once were. Maybe it’s from all the books she’s carried around. Esther finds this painfully attractive. As they approach the house, Esther stops, and tilts her chin up to kiss Bridget’s cheek. 

Bridget at least has the decency to blush before demanding Esther hand over her keys, which… she does not have. She is, after all, still in her pajamas. Blushing herself, Esther knocks on the door.

Sally answers, the phone at her ear, its cord pulled tight from the holder in the kitchen. She looks at them, blinks, whispers, “Uh, gottagobye!” and runs back to hang up the phone. Bridget’s closed the door behind them by the time Sally returns, looking like she’s trying very hard to be cool by walking slowly. 

“Hey!” Sally says with forced nonchalance. “How, uh, how are you guys?”

“Somewhere between horrible and wonderful!” Esther replies brightly. Sally walks backwards in front of them until they reach Esther’s room, and then awkwardly flips to open the door for them. 

Bridget lets Esther lean on her while she takes off her shoes. “In case you’re curious,” she addresses Sally, “I’m still pissed at this one. But we’re back together, I guess.” 

Esther’s grin widens. “Sally? Sally. See! I talked to her. Can _we_ say we’re dating now?” She has a feeling she’s acting a little childish, but she also has a feeling she’s earned that right. 

Sally shakes her head, smiling too as she moves to help Bridget guide Esther back to bed. “Yes, yes. I’m very proud.”

Bridget looks at Sally, a giggle behind her eyes, and suddenly Esther’s hit with a wave of affection for both of them as she flops backwards into her pillow. 

Sally shifts from side to side for a moment, and Esther watches as she moves like she wants to hug Bridget. Bridget responds by scooping her up and hugging her tight.

Esther’s gonna cry again. She laughs in an attempt to cover it up and says, “I know I need to rest, but I really don’t wanna be without you guys right now.” She hasn’t talked this much about emotions in… over a decade, and it’s exhausting, but also kind of gratifying? And now that she’s started being open and vulnerable with these two, she’s finding it hard to stop. “Today was lots. And I’m just. I’m really grateful to have you in my life.” 

Bridget smiles at her, her eyes crinkling like they do when she’s really happy. Sally looks a little embarrassed but pleased, and Esther’s chest aches. 

It falls silent then, and they’re both still standing there, almost expectantly. Esther wants to offer for them to cuddle, but she can’t figure out the right phrasing. And it’s too late, anyway, because they’ve started to move toward the chairs they keep on either side of her bed. 

Sally clears her throat. “Bridget, I know you got the ODAR version of what they do. But, like, if you have any questions… just ask.”

Esther feels a moment of panic fly into her throat. There’s so much to be ashamed of. But she asked for their trust, and she has to start with honesty if she wants to earn it. She nods. “Sally’s right. If anyone could answer your questions…” 

It turns out Bridget does have questions. A lot of questions. So Esther and Sally take turns answering them, Esther trying not to wince as she admits truth after truth. 

When they’ve told all they can tell, Bridget studies Esther for a moment. “You’re a piece of work.” 

“Hey, I’ve called her that too!” Sally exclaims.

Esther just nods. She’s exhausted, and she still feels the ringing in her skull as though she was hit moments ago. And going over all of that… She realizes how deeply blinded she was by this conviction that she was doing the right thing. She had spent so much time worrying about her cause, about her place in the organization, that she wouldn’t let herself look at all the people she hurt along the way. She’s embarrassed. She’s ashamed. And more than that, she’s full of regret. 

“Sally?” Bridget asks. 

“Yeah?”

“If there’s anything you wanted to know about _my_ history with Esther, now would be the time.” 

Esther largely suspects they’re doing this just to punish her, but she knows that they’re both curious people, so she heaves a great big sigh and agrees to a second round of interrogation, which Sally takes to with gusto. 

Esther’s flushed by the time Sally decides to stop asking questions—the glint in her eye tells Esther she has more she wants to know. Thankfully, she’s taking mercy on her. 

Bridget’s cheeks are pink too, although she’s smiling. 

“You two are terrible,” Esther pouts. “Ganging up on me better not be a regular thing.”

“Oh, it will be,” Sally says.

“Ettie, darling, you know better,” Bridget says.

The two of them laugh and after rolling her eyes, Esther can’t help but join in. She’d never admit it out loud, but she’s just… so excited for the future, for this, with them. Ganging up on her included. 

And she _still_ wants to cuddle. She doesn’t want to sound needy, but she kind of is right now, so she resigns herself to lifting her hands in the air and making grabbing motions with her hands. 

“Is that…” Sally squints. “A _cuddle_ invitation?”

“Mhm.”

Bridget’s already climbing into the bed as Sally’s eyes light up. “Sweet. I am so down for that.” 

It takes a minute for the two of them to orient themselves on either side of her, but they figure out where to put all their limbs pretty fast. Sally tucks up her legs and nuzzles into Esther’s shoulder as Bridget’s arm encompasses both of them. Esther, who’s always loved being the little spoon, is now a double little spoon, as she’s sandwiched snugly between them. She’s convinced this is the coziest she’s ever been. 

And now that she thinks about it, her head’s feeling the best it has since she woke up. She’s warm, she’s safe, she’s with both of the women she loves. What did she do to deserve this? Well, nothing, really. She _doesn’t_ deserve to feel this happy, not with all the things she’s done. Not with all the pain she’s caused. But for the first time, she thinks she has a chance at earning it. 

“Hey,” Esther whispers. “Guys. I’m pretty sure… I’m in heaven.” 

**Author's Note:**

> special thanks to leslie for being the best most enthusiastic reader ever!
> 
> \-----
> 
> you can find me, summerwoodsmoke, on [twitter](https://twitter.com/alinastarkovas) or on [tumblr](https://tanosoka.tumblr.com)!
> 
> \-----
> 
> and i'm [estherroberts](https://estherroberts.tumblr.com) on tumblr as well for podcast antics, but you can also find me at [patron-saints](https://patron-saints.tumblr.com) for literally everything else


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